5 Proven Strategies To Improve Partner Communications Without Having To Do Couples Counseling.
The RelationShifter Volume 1, Issue #1
5 Proven Strategies To Improve Partner Communications Without Having To Do Couples Counseling.
“We don’t communicate any longer”, “I have no idea what happened but we don’t talk any more”, “We are living like room mates”. This is frustrating and overwhelming for a partners in a relationship, so I am going to share with you. 5 Proven Strategies To Improve Partner Communications Without Having To Do Couples Counseling.
The biggest challenge I see with couples that I work with is that prior to coming into counseling they were waiting for their partner to change their behaviors so the relationship can become better. “When my partner stops shutting down when we have a disagreement then we can communicate more effectively.” I follow up with the following question, “How long have you been waiting for your partner to change their attitude and behaviors”. The response I typically get is a blank stare or they will tell me that their relationship was great in the beginning. They then go on and say things just started getting worse and worse and that is how we ended up in couples counseling.
If you are asking yourself, How do I get my partner to change? You need to start with a better question!
The thing that no partner wants to hear, especially when they are engaged in couples therapy is that “Your partner is not going to change because you want or need them to and your communications problems will most likely get worse”. I enjoy empowering all my clients with information. For couples I let them know that they need to look within themselves and do some self-reflection and take responsibility for their share of the relationship dysfunction. If they don’t they are heading down a path that no amount of couples counseling will help. The short answer is “The only way to get your partner to communicate better and meet your needs is for you to do some work on yourself so you can start reacting more effectively to them”
Couples communication problems are rooted in how we react to our partners when we are triggered by them, leading to what I call “Disagreement Related Offenses”. Partner's will say to me after several months of sessions, “The stuff we are arguing about seems really silly”. The fact of the matter is, it is not silly and you are arguing due to differences in opinions, values and perspectives. Partners argue right and wrongs when they just need to understand that everyone is entitled to their own opinion and when you have relationship communication problems it is most likely due to this toxic behavior. All partner’s need to do is respect the other' ones perspective without making an emotional investment in changing their mind. “Nobody is that powerful unless they believe they are, then that is another conversation we have to have at a later time!”
Bad reactions to your partner will trigger bad responses.
From a scientific perspective partners trigger each other because of what is called an Automatic Nervous Response (Freeze, Flight, Fight Brain). How we respond to being triggered and these responses are biological that stem from our parents and the environment in which we were raised. Therefore, we are programmed to react in a certain way when our partner is critical, judgmental or dismissive. This contempt is a relationship killer and cripples couples communication. Because if one partner is a “Conflict Avoider” and they feel threatened they will shut down (riding their high horse), walk away, leave the room or the house while other partner is feeling frustrated and overwhelmed because they are not feeling heard which is dismissive. The “Conflict Avoider” believes they are taking the high road and not wanting to have the drama but in reality they are throwing fuel on the relationship fire which is communication toxicity because they are being dismissive. Now, if the partner that is being dismissed is triggered by this (their own automatic nervous responses) this altercation will get much worse because this partner will not let it go and chase the conflict avoider as they are fleeing the scene into the front yard, driveway and down the street! Sounds like a Jerry Springer show which is not a good look, especially if you have nosey neighbors!
The 5 Proven Strategies To Improve Partner Communications Without Having To Do Couples Counseling comes from a theoretical approach that is evidence and research based. It is called pragmatic experiential therapy (PEX method) that was developed by Dr. Brent Atkinson of the Couples Clinic in Chicago. This approach has a 91% success rate for couples who embrace the approach and want to dig in and do the work to save their relationship. It is not talking about argument of the week because I do not believe that type of couples counseling is helpful. So on to the strategies to help you move forward to healthier partner communications.
Avoid Erroneous Fault Finding. Either you both are at fault or nobody is!
Strategy #1: Avoiding Erroneous Fault Finding
Erroneous fault finding occurs when one partner is always seeing what is wrong with the picture. Regardless of what the other partner does they never do anything right. Their partner could take out the trash 364 days out of the year and when they miss that one day. “Their partner responds “My partner is so lazy and I have to do everything by myself”. How do you think they feel when they hear this? Do you think they will want to carry on a conversation with a partner who finds fault in everything they do? Absolutely not! Do you think they are going to want to have more conversations? Do you think they are going to take out the trash more? Nope!. Partners’ need to focus on what is right with the picture and not the 5% that is wrong. When you focus on the right and praise it, this will lead to healthier communications.
Finding the understandable part of their perspective, opinion and values
Strategy #2: Find The Understandable Part
With all relationships there is one guarantee and that is that there are going to be disagreements. The longer we are in a relationship with someone the odds are more arguments will happen. There are ways to handle disagreements without reacting to our partner in a way that is triggering for them which will in turn end not only the disagreement but will smother communication. When this happens each partner leaves the conversation feeling ways in which they don’t want to feel. Strategy number two is to find the understandable part of their point of view, value or opinion and let them know it. Something like this “I am rethinking your point of view on how to potty train our son and I do think your idea is very good and I also believe I have some good ideas as well.” “What do you think the best way we can compromise and meet in the middle since these two amazing ideas will benefit our son?” Finding the understandable part validates our partner while at the same time shows that we can be flexible and open-minded to their perspectives and opinions and doing this will help foster healthier communication in the future. Yes, even if you can back up your claim that the earth is round and your partner thinks that it is flat. What to say in this disagreement. “Darling, I can see you are very passionate about your belief that the earth is flat and I have to say that I can see that some of your points are very valid.” Even though what you may be thinking is “They must be out of their mind, if the earth was flat then wouldn’t we be hearing about all sorts of things disappearing into the abyss of space?
Know what makes your partner different from you, what they need and what gives them anxiety.
Strategy #3: Identify Your Partner’s Underlying Needs, Values and Worries
This one is simple. Discovering what our partner’s needs, values and worries are will help us support them when we are trying to have a conversation about something that may be triggering to them. If I know my partner is sensitive about money, talking about finances, etc. is going to be triggering for them. I know talking about certain family members is also going to bring up certain memories and past hurts that is also triggering for them. So what do you do? If those conversations are necessary to address a relationship challenge than wrap those conversations in kind wrappers and deliver them without being emotional. Because emotions begets emotions. Especially if you are being critical, judgmental or riding the high horse what do you think you are going to get in return?
Also know what their values are and absolutely know what worries them so you can support them and provide them with validation of their feelings which make them feel safe, seen and heard. When you check all these things off your list you will foster healthier communications because your partner will know that you get them!
Get off your high horse and stop being dismissive to them.
Strategy #4: Dismount Your High Horse of Contempt.
Getting on the high horse breeds contempt in a relationship. If you or your partner are high horse riders, chances are your relationship is struggling. Contempt (High horse riding) is another “Relationship Killer” and if this is going on you both most likely are on your way into couples counseling. So how do you get off your high horse? First off, you need to stop finding faults in everything they do, secondly you cannot think you are better than your partner or your relationship problems are all their fault. It takes two to tango and taking accountability for your share of the relationship dysfunction is a great place to start. If you make your partner out to be a villain than how do you expect them to have healthy communications with you. Arch enemies don’t talk to each other. So stop making them out to be a villain, get off your horse and eliminate your need to be right all the time and your communication will most likely start getting better! Because at the end of the day we should not be arguing about our partners perception, values or opinion about things. It is how they see the world and we are not them!
Ask yourself. How are my reactions making my partner feel?
Strategy #5: Develop A Self-Awareness Of How Your Reactions Fuel Communication Failures
I discussed this in the opening of this post. Our automatic reactions to our partners is what fuels the fire of relationship failure and lack of communication. Ask yourself these questions and be observant about what happens when a conversation starts out as good and turns bad very quickly. Chances are you or your partner are triggering something from their past and to defend themselves they respond emotionally and in turn they trigger you and you return the favor. This is simple “Find out what behaviors, comments, eye-glances, attitude, etc. is triggering your partner into reacting negatively. Then overtime start changing the way you react. Develop an inner self-dialogue and thinking before you speak is the easiest way to start this. If they had a challenging childhood and were not seen or heard by their parents chances are when you are being dismissive you are triggering bad memories of their childhood that will make them emotional and as an adult they will fight back because they don’t want to feel that way anymore. Our jobs in relationships is to make our partners feel safe, valued and worthy!
My couples counseling approach is a combination of individual and couples work. Individual work is the priority to help each partner discover what they are doing that is not helpful to the relationship. This concept with the theoretical approach helps couples reconnect and re-establish communication even after years of challenges and struggles. It is never to late until it is!
The most important thing I share with the couples that I work with is that.
You will always have arguments and disagreements because life is not that easy! So we need to figure out a way to react more effectively to get our needs met. Bad reactions perpetuate bad responses.
If you don’t confront and deal with communication problems that stem from disagreement related offenses there is a high probability that those minor offenses will lead to a relationship ending obvious offense which could be lying and cheating.
Richie Pryor, ACMHC, MS
