How Living in A Prison Of Anxiety Impacts Our Relationships with Self and Others and The Keys Needed to Discover Freedom to Grow.

The RelationShifter Vol 1 Issue #3

I tried to find a picture that conveyed anxiety for this post and thought this was fit. My wife Barbara holding an alligator in New Orleans. I was all set. Shoot, “I must have Herpetophobia. Which is a fear of reptiles. I am not sure if I have this disorder but I have a fear of having less fingers! Great news, Barbara still has all her digits.

I define Anxiety as trying to control the uncontrollable! Ok, I suppose my wife here is controlling the uncontrollable but she is not afraid of this gator so she does not have anxiety about it. Today I would like to chat about How Living in A Prison Of Anxiety Impacts Our Relationships with Self and Others and The Keys Needed to Discover Freedom to grow.

What is a healthy amount and what is unhealthy, and the differences make all the difference in how we move through our life. I have had struggles with anxiety during periods of my life where I wanted to bail on whatever was causing me distress. I can recall a time when I was about 25 years old, was married with two young children and we just purchased a house, yes in the old days if you had money, you could buy a house!  

I was in an orientation with about 50 other students for a computer night school that I wanted to attend because I disliked my job. I was sitting there and suddenly, my heart started pounding, I was sweating, and my brain was telling me that something bad was going to happen. The funny thing about it was that I had no idea what I was panicking about. To this day I still have no idea what was going through my head at that moment. All I know is that I had two choices, either to push my way through it or leave. If I had left you would not be reading this and would probably be in a job that I did not like. I looked at the door and said, “Let’s see what is going to happen because at that moment I thought staying in a dead-end job that I hated would be more painful than what I was experiencing in the moment. Therefore, I decided to keep my butt in the chair, and it went away. The trick was envisioning the future of what it would look like if I left school and my brain said we can’t do that so let’s suck it up and wait it out. I am so grateful that I stayed because today I am doing the most rewarding and fulfilling job that I can’t believe I get paid to do! If we don’t want to at least attempt to work through the anxiety that is holding us back, how can we ever know how that moment done differ wily could have changed the trajectory of our life? If we let our thoughts run the show it will always keep us safe because it is doing it’s job, but is that a good thing? How many of you reading this are stuck in a relationship or dead end job because it is safe?

Let’s dig into anxiety a little more. I have many clients in my chairs that talk to me about panic attacks and them not having any idea about the thought that triggered it…I let them know that I get it! So, I approach therapy with my clients as a detective trying to help them solve the challenge that is impacting their mental health and sometimes, we just don’t know and that is ok. Then when we do know we can pull all the stops to make a change.

Brutal honesty here. I wish the hell my anxiety won this battle because now that I am looking at this picture and reflecting back to that moment there must of been foreign substances from everyone living down under on that mattress! I think my voice of reason (Barbara) said that was disgusting but I opted for a pic that I was sure I was going to use someday and this was 13 years ago. I can’t believe I let my skin touch that thing. I imagine the mattress is still there for world travelers looking to have a quickie! And if they do, we can rule out Mysophobia diagnosis for them, which is a fear of germs!

Our relationship with anxiety is an interesting one. When I was doing groups in a psychiatric hospital, I explained anxiety as fear about the future. We all need to have a little bit of anxiety and worry in our life, and I will dive into this in a little bit. Then there is severe anxiety which is typically an irrational belief or thought about something happening or not happening in the future. This type of anxiety is crippling and as humans we get so trapped in our thoughts that even with all the evidence stacked against our argument, we cannot see how irrational our thoughts are. We also have what is called situational/phobia based anxiety and this is based on a certain thing that provokes fear, worry and panic, like flying in a plane, heights, fear of spiders, alligators, etc. Then there are those of us who struggle with trauma-based anxiety which is overwhelming and can drag us into depression.

When I work with clients that have severe anxiety, a majority of the time that anxiety causes depression we call this comorbidity. I define depression as thoughts that hold us in the past. (Our relationship with depression will be a future post).  When we look at both sides of the anxiety and depression spectrum anxiety is fear of the future and depression is being stuck in the past and if we are living in the past or the future this prevents us from living in the present. Isn’t that where we e all exist? What happens to us is that we allow the events of the past and future to impact our today. I don’t know about you but since we can’t change the past and for the most part have no control of the future, isn’t this an unhelpful place to spend our time? We cannot change the past and how helpful is it to keep thinking about things that we cannot change? We can worry all we want about the event that may or may not happen, but Mark Twain said, “Worrying is like paying a debt that you don’t owe”. We are giving time, energy, and brain power to something that most likely will not happen. However, if we focus on something long enough, I believe we can manifest bad things in our life. People that become obsessed with being sick, usually end up sick. If you put the breadcrumbs out into the universe don’t be surprised when thar sh*r comes knocking at your door!

Clients always ask me why we need anxiety. Well, it kept our species alive for a million years when there was danger around every corner. Fortunately, we don’t have to worry about being eaten by a lion or alligator (unless you are a zookeeper) or you like holding baby ones like my wife and momma gator is close by! I tell my clients that we all have to have a certain level of anxiety because it can help motivate us at school or at work. A healthy dose of anxiety is also necessary when we have impulsivity to do things that may not be safe, like jumping out of an airplane, walking on fire, running with the bulls, or climbing the Sydney Harbor Bridge. Anxiety is our brain’s way of trying to keep us safe at all costs and challenging it with a healthy dose of rationale helps us grow exponentially. It will allow it to control us we get stuck and become hopeless and that when it turns to depression.

This is the only picture we got. Apparently, they have problems with people taking their cameras on the climb. They said for safety…I am thinking they can charge us $50 for a picture and souvenir picture frame!. The beers were positively after the climb at the Sydney Opera House…or were they before.? A little liquor courage which I do not condone as a therapist but do as I say not as I do. I think I hear the parent in me talking.

However, mental health challenges begin when our anxiety starts to take over our lives and prevents us from doing things that would be beneficial for our growth us.  Did my wife and I really need to climb the Sydney Harbor bridge? Of course not, However, I was always afraid of heights (Acrophobia), and I have been on a mission over the years to push myself out of my comfort zone because I need to grow. The best way to do that is to take on something that scares the living shi*t out of you, this is what we call exposure therapy. There is no better way to overcome an obstacle than to go right through it.  Luckily, Barbara and I survived our bridge climb. Yes, I did panic but my beautiful courageous wife talked me though my thoughts and now we can share stories such as this to help others overcome what holds them back. My amazing wife’s words of motivation “What are you doing? You cannot stop here, you can’t go back so stop looking down, get a grip and climb” which I did and discovered what that feeling was to overcome what I thought was impossible. Challenging yourself when every cell in your body is saying no is how to crush anxiety and grow through overcoming whatever is in front of us.

For my teenage clients that struggle with social anxiety. The first thing I do is work with them on developing skills to help them navigate the anxiety when it surfaces because it is only for a moment. Just like in my school orientation and you must have a reason to want to sit with being uncomfortable. Because what is on the other side of that pain is freedom from the prison that anxiety was holding you in. If we never challenge ourselves, will we ever meet the person we were supposed to become. I tell my clients that my biggest regret in life would have been not meeting the person I was supposed to become. So, who knows, but one thing I won’t be saying on my death bed is, “What would have happened if I climbed that bridge?”

Well, I know what would have happened if I let my anxiety and limiting beliefs get the best of me 4 years ago when I was contemplating going back to school at 50 years old. I would not have found this much happiness and peace in my life after suffering the traumatic loss of my son 8 years ago. This is another post for another time.  

Sorry, I do go off on tangents and hopefully this flow makes sense! Getting back to my teenage clients, so when we finish developing those coping skills to support them through those uncomfortable thoughts and feelings, the next step is to go out in public and expose them to their fear. I have spent numerous hours in high school parking lots, outside of restaurants, ice cream shops and stores motivating clients to push through what their brain is telling them because I have their back. Just like my amazing soulmate (Barbara) did when we are in that bridge. Anyone can do this with someone they feel safe with and after a couple of these test runs, clients eventually push through it and are so proud of themselves for doing it and it brings them closer to the person they are supposed to become. These little moments in life help shift our course in life that brings us closer to what we are supposed to be doing here (meaning and purpose). What’s on the other side of fear? Amazing sh*t!

Then there are those of us out there that struggle from what we call “Generalized Anxiety Disorder”. Which in medical terms means we worry about all sorts of sh*t. Am I going to die? Sorry to have to be the bearer of bad news but, yes you will die just like the rest of us so why take a minute of your precious life worrying about that , when you know that it eventually will happen? Oh, yes, you want to know when? Sorry, I can’t help you with that one and if a doctor tries to tell you anything different, they are most likely full of sh*t. I had a dear friend who had cancer and the doctor gave him a year, my friend lived 20 years longer, so they have a similar exact science as meteorologists. Sorry, we said it wasn’t going to rain and it did and by the way I am sorry you lived the last twenty years wondering if that day was going to be your last one! My bad! So don’t waste another precious moment worrying about things you have no control over.

When we struggle with generalized anxiety, we worry about everything imaginable, and it is crippling. Our anxiety can be the most intrusive when we are alone with our minds because an idle mind has nothing better to do than to be in the future with anxiety or be in the past with depression. Insert “Mindfulness and being present here” and you can start with learning some of the basic DBT skills which is a research and evidenced-based theoretical approach that focuses on emotional regulation, distress tolerance, mindfulness, and interpersonal effectiveness. One of the biggest challenges with treating generalized anxiety disorder is helping clients navigate their irrational thoughts and limiting beliefs that are at the root of our worry about everything.

I need to get a new shirt because we are 100% in charge of absolutely nothing but how we react to things that are out of our control. When we try to control everything that is out of our control, this becomes emotionally exhausting, causes fatigue and can lead to depression. The psychiatric hospital I worked in had a depression and anxiety unit because these two co-existing disorders are the most prevalent in society.

Lastly, I would like to touch on another component of anxiety that prevents us from inner happiness and peace in life. The control aspect of it which is at the root of most anxiety. If you grew up in a household where you had no control over anything than as an adult, you are more likely to want to control every little thing in your life because you know what having no control feels like and it is not good. This type of anxiety control impacts all our relationships and makes us miserable because we are trying to control the uncontrollable. Do you have a teenager that is vaping, breaking rules, and doing whatever they want to do? The reason you are probably so frustrated, depressed, overwhelmed, pick your feeling is because you are trying to do the impossible. Maybe your parents did not provide you with the structure you needed as a child, let you do whatever you wanted so you overcompensate and become overprotective of your children. Natural consequences are the first step in helping support your teenager without you having to blow a gasket each time they do something that triggers you. There is something healing about letting things go because honestly, how has trying to control them worked out for you?

What about a partner that wants to do their own thing or parent their own way? If you are trying to control every aspect of their life due to your need to control to feed your anxiety monster you will most likely fail. Your partner will get sick of being told they do everything wrong and eventually either find someone that will tell them they are awesome or leave you because their self-esteem cannot take it any longer. Then onto the children, what do you think they are seeing when they watch you try to control them and their co-parent? They will end up doing one of two things when they get older. Take the first bus out of town when they turn 18 because they cannot take it or then end up becoming just like you with their children and partner. Is that something that you want for their lives and yours? When you are a “my way or the highway”(a term I use with my couples counseling) individual the people around you are going to find another highway to drive on because yours is way to controlling for them.

What does your prison of anxiety look like? Mine was much smaller and had no toilet!

 I always get asked by my clients if anxiety is catchy. Yes, it is. There have been numerous studies done on this topic. Mothers who have severe anxiety have a higher chance at passing their anxiety onto their child.  Dad’s also need to figure out a way to chill as well. During our development stages if we have parents that suffer with a lot of anxiety, chances are, the kids will watch this and adopt it because they model our behaviors, and their brains will create neuropathways and develop unhealthy coping strategies to deal with life stressors. Then let’s talk about relationships and partners. Our brains are in the development stage up until the age of about 25. Therefore, if you are a teenager or young adult that has a partner who has anxiety, chances are you are going to catch it as well and unfortunately there is no mask or booster shot to help with this. Only therapy and last resort medication will!

In closing, our relationship with anxiety does impact our relationships with our self and others. The fear of what could happen paralyzes us and imprisons us in a box filled with our own anxiety, limiting beliefs and irrational thoughts. The good news is that if you want to be free, there are things you can do this minute to free yourself from this prison of dread or you can chose to stay stuck and wonder what if!

I know what you are saying “Great thanks for all this information but WTF can I do with the toxic relationship I have with my anxiety?

1.       For Generalized anxiety:

• Find a good therapist Find a good therapist because this takes some work. Sometimes you must try out several different therapists to find the one that you make a connection with so don’t give up.

• Get yourself some DBT skills (they have classes online and books on amazon)

2.       For Situational Anxiety and Phobias:

• Learn some coping and grounding skills (DBT Skills)

• First expose yourself to your fear in safety. Googling flying on an airplane, etc.

• Secondly try it in real life and have someone there you trust that will support you.

• Maybe therapy if these steps don’t work.

3.       For Trauma related anxiety: Find a good therapist (See #1), it is very challenging to navigate trauma without the support of a professional.

4. For Controlling Anxiety:

• Find a therapist (see #2).

• Reflect upon your need for control and ask yourself these two critical questions.

  • What can I really control? Hint, not much other than how you react to stress and fear so you can only control you. Everything else is a waste of time, energy, and emotions.

  • What would happen if I let go of the need to control?

  • If you are a narcissist you won’t believe any of this stuff because you know everything. However, if you in a relationship with a narcissist it is time to reflect upon your future because narcissist do not change and they will only become more controlling because their ego’s are running the show…not their heart!

Now look at these questions and reflect upon where you are with your relationship with anxiety.

1.       Who would I be without my anxiety?

2.       What would my relationships look like without my anxiety?

3.       What is the worst thing that could happen if my anxious thoughts came through?

• What are the chances that it happens?

• Can I live with that if it happens?

• If you can, what is preventing me from going through it?

• If the worst thing happens, what would I do next? Then after that?

 4.       What is at the root of my anxiety? Is it a limiting belief (self-esteem issue) or irrational thought?

• What positive self-talk can I engage in that will help me overcome this thought or limiting belief.

5.       What would my life be like if I no longer let my anxiety keep me hostage?

6.       Do I want to be the person on my deathbed that says, “My only regret in life is I that I never had a chance to meet the person I was supposed to become!”

  I hope you got something you needed from this issue of The RelationShifter. If you want, you can subscribe below.

Richard Pryor, ACMHC, MS